Goodbye

It has been almost 2 months since our friend Jeremy was murdered by adult children who seemed to think $42 worth of pizza was worth taking a life. Two months of wondering why something like this has happened. It has changed me in so many little ways. I no longer can watch TV, I can no longer listen to the music that I had always enjoyed. I have been reading non-stop (not a bad thing). But it is escapist reading; a way to make the hours pass.

But, have I really changed? I do not know. I know my friends mean more to me, but I do not know how to reach out to them to let them know. I am afraid they will not understand. I felt shut out several months ago and took protective action against being hurt anymore. It broke my heart, but having been urged by my daughter that it was the best choice, I took it.

So, I am boxed with wanting my friends closer to me and not sure how to make it happen and still keep what pride I have left. I feel alone even with them. I posted on my myspace profile to be careful, sometimes my smile is covering what I really think! It was true 2 years ago and it is still true now, even more so.

I smile when I do not feel like smiling, because I learned that a smile will make others not look further into me. Do I know what is under the smile, not all the time, but it is my one refuge.

Losing Jeremy in such a horrible way has shaken my belief system in ways I could not imagine.